Age has never been an issue to me. I've always looked a few years younger than I am, and so never really paid attention to the stigma wrapped around the numbers. Not only that, but I've taken great pride in all I've accomplished at a comparably young age. No reason to stress over turning a year older.
Until now. What happened? In the last couple months, my upcoming birthday has seemed to morph into a frenzy of superficial worry and time-consuming self-critique. I'm seeing the crow's feet and laugh lines that I've never thought twice about in the past. I'm analyzing my roles and love handles. I'm freaking out about my life goals and credit card debt. I think I grew up.
I find myself second guessing the jeans I own, worried I look like one of those middle-aged women who are trying too hard. Can I really pull off ripped denim? Suddenly, I'm rapidly working through jars of face cream to ward off the pending signs of age on my face. Retinol anyone?
The thing is, I don't want to be younger.
I don't want to go through the trials and headaches that came with dating, 20-year-old-self-doubt, and all that crap. From the big things to the little...I love that I'm a homeowner, married, mother of two. I'm learning to really appreciate my position and even enjoy my body. Even appreciating the 7 inch cesarean gash across my lower abdomen which took away the likelihood of my ever having a tight firm tummy again. I enjoy that I don't need to be wearing peek-a-boo thongs and low-cut jeans to look cool and with forced confidence at that. I love old-school rock and roll and knowing that I don't have to follow the masses or listen to Rap and R&B to be relevant. I like that I can have a beer and hold my own. I relish in the fact that I have a solid, secure relationship and comfortable home life and that only comes with age and experiences.
So what's my hang-up? I've been thinking a lot about this. I think I just don't want to lose "it". That thing my husband fell in love with. That silliness that makes my kids giggle. The energy to be spontaneous and fun. That goofiness that makes me who I want to be. I don't want to get stale -- losing the edge that has always made me unique. And I don't want to have to actively try to hang on to it.
All this and I'm only turning 30?! Yikes, what does the next decade's benchmark have in store for me?
No comments:
Post a Comment