Just because I'm a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean a) that I prefer it and b) that I'm any good at it. I'm reminded of this every time I pop a bottle, or raise my voice to my kids and every time I see those great mom-blogs. You know the ones I'm talking about... like this one. And this one.Where am I? What happened to me? Why am I so unsettled? Um, reality check.
The fireman in my life doesn't relate to my situation. He's off fighting fire and helping people and other such heroic things, you know, fulfilling his life's career aspiration. All the more isolating to me.
I'm here trying to cope, playing single parent every other day. I'm tired of playing referee and short order cook. It's gotten old. I feel like I am stuck in a disturbing cycle of discontent followed by gratefulness. From one extreme to the other. I know I'm fortunate to be in the position I am, raising my own kids (as challenging as that's become), but I also wish to be a real-life person from time to time. The kind who has real things to talk about that don't involve age-appropriate milestones and the latest doctors visit. The kind who drinks at quitting time, not nap time. The kind who wears great clothes every day. The kind who has candlelit dinners with lovers. There is more in me than this!
All my mom friends must have it easier than me because we sure aren't talking about it. I can't even get a chance to reciprocate my babysitting favor debt. A not so subtle sign, eh? Not only am I less than ideal mom, but a less than ideal kid-sitter.
I know that this is a tired rant. A dozen bestselling titles will account for that. (Although, maybe not-so-ironically, those mother authors are not quite on our side are they? With their press junkets and talk-show circuits.) So great, there are others like me out there...but now what? Sit slightly miserable until I can bolt for the closest likable job, just hoping that I've retained enough marketable skill and haven't become obsolete like the last version of Microsoft Office?
It's a bleak outlook from here. Just me and Michelle and her Chateau.
You are not alone my dear friend!
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I could say I logged into blogger while sipping my iced coffee on the patio of Starbucks! Instead I hop on quickly during nap time and between loads of laundry with my at home iced Folgers and International Creamer. You join the prestigious ranks of at-home-and-bad-at-it. I never claimed to be a good housekeeper and am proven correct daily. My child rearing is spontaneous and fueled by momentum. While I have been doing this for 15 years I do miss the times when I was clad in Express-esq style, master of my own cubicle, with daily makeup and coiffed hair. I miss my heels.
Hold steadfast that there are those of us out there that are true, honest and real - and have been ostracized for it. When you speak honestly of wanting to send your toddler down the block carrying her toys over her shoulder like a hobo because of yet another banshee like scream, the Stepford-Mom looks at you in horror. At some point during the teenage years you find yourself muttering the cliche "I get why some animals eat their young". It is not talked about and it should be. Loudly, often and amid bottles and bottles of wine.
It is especially hard to have the one other person that should get it be oblivious. Especially when they are following their passion and excelling in their chosen career. It is sometimes so difficult to listen to the events of his day with the struggles they face and overcome when your only response can be "we managed to prevent a melt-down in the grocery store today". Yippee.
I wish I had the magic salve for the rawness you feel. Hopefully knowing you are not alone is at least somewhat reassuring. I'll not be condescending by trying to offer some lame "find your passion in what you have" crap. Some days that just doesn't work. Sometimes, a visit with Michelle at her Chateau is the only thing that does. I'll see you there soon!