A TALE OF TWO KIDS

My kids are different as night and day. You can see it in the little things like their preferences for eating and sleep rituals, but I'm really seeing it in HUGE ways, in watching their little personalities unfold. Daughter is sweet and caring, yet excitable and dramatic. Son is mellow and most comfortable watching life unfold before him. Daughter argues life requirements like eating breakfast and going to sleep at night. Son relishes each meal and grins ear to ear at the mention of bedtime. When engaged, Daughter sits and methodically works out her make-belief, while Son prefers to ransack cupboards and upturn baskets. Night and day - these two.

Many of my close friends know that we are hitting major potholes on the road to parenting Daughter and this is resulting in the need for some major changes. We are seeking professional help from a child psychologist. Basically, one or more of us are crazy.

Talk about taking a big hard look at your yourself! If there is one thing that I am, it's open. I'll be the first to tell you about how much I dislike pregnancy, how lame post-partum depression is, and how nutty my kids make me. But, this threw me. Hard. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? I read 1001 books, why couldn't I make it work? I love my kids, why can't I parent them? How come I'm the only one with this problem? How did I just finish a whole bottle of wine? After getting past the personal hurt and emotional conflicts of not being the great parent you always hoped and intended to be, we're coming around to the realization that kids, just like adults, own different personalities and temperaments. And as the logical and responsible parent (I try to be), I need to own up to the fact that I need help in learning to manage this specific personality before it complete tears apart the family core. There, I said it. I need help.

Daughter has been unbelievably defiant and argumentative. At age three, mind you! All signs seem to point to her "strong-willed and bright" diagnosis from the family pediatrician paired with the growing pains of having a younger sibling share the spotlight. Months after the initial referral to a psychologist, we've finally become desperate enough to give in.

I feel the need to share this story because I recently confessed our difficulties to a close friend and found out she too is having similar difficulties and has considered the need for outside assistance. We discussed how lonely it can feel to have these weights on our shoulders and the stigma it leaves behind to actually have to own up to having a difficult family. Mothers don't choose to talk about these ugly truths because no one wants to be seen as less than perfect. No one wants the bratty kid. No one wants to admit to their parenting failures. But why do we do this to ourselves? As mothers, we are so in touch with the feelings of others, yet are too afraid to be honest and open about the hard side of parenting. Not everything can be solved by reading the latest parenting best-seller or by forcing your kid into a dozen playdates.

So I'm opening up the dialog. I encourage you to feel normal if you are having a tough time. Welcome to the club.